Desperate Housewives Episode 4.04 If There's Anything I Can't Stand

Susan is slow to catch onto the fact that her new neighbors, Bob and Lee, are a gay couple. When they mention a Raphael, she pretends to be okay with what she assumes is a threesome, before she realizes that they're talking about their dog. Susan tries to make up for her terrible first impression by bringing Lee "homemade" cookies. He asks if they have nuts in them, since he's horribly allergic, and Susan has to confess they're actually store-bought cookies, heated up to appear fresh. He tells her to keep them.

Julie brings Raphael home, saying she found him wandering in the street. She's going to return him next door, but Susan hatches the brilliant scheme to keep him until the neighbors miss him, so she can look like a hero and make them like her at last.

When Susan hears Lee calling Raphael, she graciously offers to look for the missing dog. She goes inside to get water for Bob and Lee after their strenuous search, intending to miraculously produce their dog. But Mike comes home and opens the garage -- letting Raphael out right in front of his owners! And he's gotten into Mike's paint and ruins Bob's $2,000 Dolce suit, which Mike now has to pay for. When Susan laments that she just wanted them to like her, he orders her to let it go since he can't afford any more of her apologies.

Lynette finds that her libido has returned, but Tom is put off by the sight of her bald head after her old wig won't stay in place. She goes shopping for a new wig, since it's the only way she's going to get sex. Gaby convinces her that she should take the opportunity for a little role playing. Lynette surprises Tom with a sexy red wig, introducing herself as "Brandy, the slutty cheerleader," and Tom jumps her.

When Tom asks for a repeat visit from Brandy, Lynette says that one of the kids gave the wig a terrible haircut and Brandy's not coming back. He buys a black wig, hoping for "Brandy's even sluttier sister, Candy." Lynette is offended that she's not enough for him anymore and he admits that it was a relief to pretend for one night she wasn't sick. He says it hasn't occurred to her that her cancer affects him too. She's upset to realize she's become one of those, "selfish, whiny sick people," and agrees to give Candy a whirl. He tells her tonight their fantasy can be that they're just Tom and Lynette, instead of a hero and a cancer patient.

Edie is not terribly upset to learn she has crabs, probably from a tanning bed. Carlos tells Gaby, who is horrified. Not only does it mean he's still sleeping with Edie, but that Victor likely has crabs too. Gaby plays her own game of dress-up with Victor, donning a sexy nurse outfit to administer the nasty-smelling anti-crab treatment. When he notes that it smells "mediciney," she assures him it's a blend of essential oils and to sit still for at least five minutes.

A scooter arrives for Danielle, a gift from Rex's mother, Phyllis. Andrew wants to keep it but Bree insists they give it away. Bree tries to discourage her friends from throwing her a baby shower, but Andrew, upset over the scooter, helps them surprise Bree after all. The biggest surprise: he invited Phyllis!

Bree's former mother-in-law takes it as a sign that Bree wants to be friends again, but Bree soon snaps and points out that since it's a surprise party, she had nothing to do with the invitations. Phyllis realizes she isn't wanted and decides the only thing to do is retrieve the sable coat she once gave Bree. Andrew has unthinkingly steered Phyllis to her closet, the very one where Bree keeps her false pregnancy stomachs.

Bree has no choice now but to tell her that Danielle is the one who is pregnant and that she's at a nearby convent. Phyllis calls Bree a bad mother for letting her unwed daughter get pregnant and boasts what a good mother she was. Bree replies that Rex is the one who really hated her. An angry Phyllis runs downstairs to spill the beans to the guests, but at the last second, looking at Bree's stricken expression, she merely says that she has to leave. Bree quietly thanks her. But Phyllis goes straight to the convent and tells Danielle she's come to spring her.

At the party, Gaby assures Carlos that Victor doesn't suspect a thing and that she finds almost getting caught exciting. He warns her that if Victor catches them together, he'll kill them both. "That's what's so exciting," she replies. Edie finds Victor's "cologne" strangely familiar and he says Gaby gave it to him. She watches Carlos, Gaby and Victor each accept a crab cake from a waiter, and puts two and two together.

Katherine's elderly Aunt Lily comes to stay with her. She's dying and regrets the coverup involving Dylan. Katherine swears she'll never ler her reveal what they did. Lily waits until Katherine has left and rings a little bell to summon Dylan. All she manages to tell her is that there's a reason Dylan doesn't remember living on Wisteria Lane as a child when Katherine unexpectedly returns. Dylan asks Katherine about it later, but she claims that Lily doesn't know what she's saying anymore. Katherine takes away Lily's bell and when she hears her calling for Dylan, reminds her daughter that it's time to practice her cello. The music masks the noises Lily makes as she's dying. But a scribbled note falls from her hand and stays, unseen, under the bed after her body is taken away.