Dancing with the Stars Episode 8.04

One down, 12 to go. The remaining 12 couples tackle the foxtrot and samba in Week 3 with less than one week of rehearsals. Who shook it? Who worm-ed it? And who just forgot their steps?

So I guess a week really can't go by without someone getting injured. At first, I thought it was just me. Literally me. I've pulled, strained, done something or the other to my left quadriceps from shopping - I surmise this is just from mere association with this show - but Steve Wozniak has, again, added himself to the injury report. He's pulled a hamstring, but he won't pull a Steve-O tonight. The writing's on the wall, isn't it? By the way, how creepy did Woz look in the opening credits? Yeesh.

For the first time this season, they're all on a level playing field because they all had the same amount of time to rehearse, Samantha tells us. Technically, that's not true. Ten of them still have at least three weeks more of dancing than two other couples, but who's counting?

Denise Richards & Maksim Chmerkovskiy: SambaMaks thinks Denise is being way too serious, so he comes to rehearsal in dressed as a pink Chiquita Banana. Hot. Does he dress like this for Karina? Maks' ugly woman hasn't loosened up Denise at all though. This is just incredibly horrific and as stale as the chicken I'm gnawing on right now. Isn't a samba supposed to sizzle? She's not serious, but frightened, much like the first week. Way to regress. Len thought she did a good job on the first try. Whaa? Bruno thought it was flat. Carrie Ann "Hair Curler" Inaba agrees with Bruno and basically tells her she needs to be a better actress. Hey, if it ain't broke...

Score: 16

Chuck Wicks & Julianne Hough: FoxtrotEr, did anyone think Chuck could dance because he's dating Julianne? Yeah. No excuses, buddy. Chuck gets to be a "man" here, so no worries about doing "girly" moves. He's definitely not just standing this time. They're in sync and he's looking very suave. But then again he's in pinstripes, which means he automatically looks good. And Julianne? She's perfect, as usual. I think she has the best costumes out of all the female pros. Gee, I wonder why. And the girl has a heart too: She's partnered with a non-profit to rate playgrounds. How sweet. I'm not sure if Chuck's actually bringing anything extra to the floor, but I suppose just dancing this week is a feat itself. Bruno's happy he's in the driver's seat using the stick shift. Carrie Ann thinks he's showing he's a contender. Len calls it good, but not great.

Score: 23

Holly Madison & Dmitry Chaplin: SambaHolly makes no apologies for her bust. Show off the ladies, girl. She's not getting the samba. At all. And she thinks Dmitry wants Jewel back. He wants to kill himself. But hey, this ain't so bad - compared to Denise. She's still sloppy off the ground and her best by move was, what else, shaking the ladies. There are kids watching, Hol. I'm not sure what to make of this. She looks exactly the same as she did in the last two dances - weak, muddled and hesistant. What's worse, you can tell that she's counting. Sigh. Carrie Ann calls it rough and calls her out on her lift. Len says it was hot on the top and wooden on the bottom. No comment. Bruno says there's plenty to look at, but says the footwork's lacing as well. Dmitry does not deny he doesn't want Jewel back and more or less says Holly sucks. The man has no filter. Love it.

Score: 17

Steve-O & Lacey Schwimmer: FoxtrotSteve-O's had to ease back into rehearsals, but he doesn't wanna rest, he wants to dance, dammit! Did Lacey put on her corset backwards? This is pretty and dainty. Steve-O dainty? Yes. It's refined and proper... and then he has a brain fart. All of the sudden, he's forgotten, like, five sequences and literally backs into the steps on the finish. Don't worry, he's not hurt. The dance, on the other hand, well... Len says the "O" in Steve-O stands for ovation, but notes his missteps. Bruno says he fell apart, but he's going in the right direction. Carrie Ann's impressed and knows he's learned from his mistakes. Now he just has to remember that.

Score: 15

Lawrence Taylor & Edyta Sliwinska: SambaLT likes the samba, but laments the lack of time, so he drops golf for the parquet. It better be worth it. And it is. It's undoubtedly the best samba of the night so far, which I guess isn't hard, but it's miles better. He's still not as smooth as Emmitt Smith or Jason Taylor (perhaps a tinge of self-consciousness left?), but he's definitely comfortable shaking it now. OK, there's not that much shaking, but maye Bruno will tell him to be more naughty. Bruno says he has rhythm and tells him not to doubt his abilities. Carrie Ann likes it too and Len wants more hips.

Score: 20

Shawn Johnson & Mark Ballas: FoxtrotShawn video chats with her buddies back in Des Moines (how much of this is written?) before getting down with the foxtrot. Mark wants her to be fluid, but she can't because everything about her is sharp and powerful. Au contraire, Shawn. Dipped in peppermint green, the tiny powerhouse proves to be as graceful and delicate as ever. The only bad part? Her Oompa-Loompa-esque skin. Easy with the spray tan, kid. Carrie Ann calls her a beautiful, elegant princess. Len dubs it her best dance yet. Bruno likens her to a bejeweled Hamburg, er, hummingbird.

Score: 27

Gilles Marini & Cheryl Burke: SambaGilles' mama is in the house to see her son dance. She got chills and Gilles is dedicating the samba to her. Aww. So he's dressed from head-to-toe red because he's red-hot, right? Because I think this is as deep as Dancing gets. Between the opening booty shake, hip-shaking, shimmying, and the clashing red and pink costumes, I think I'm getting the shakes - but it's good, guys. The dance, that is, not the shakes. The whole routine appears to just be rocking and rattling lots of stuff, but boy knows how to shake what his mama gave him. Len says he made a hard dance look easy. Bruno tells him he raises the heat. Carrie Ann thinks he shook things she didn't think guys could shake. Duh! He's French, CA. I don't know what that means. Backstage, Samantha inquires about Gilles' mom and how proud she must be that her baby boy is making women swoon. Right. Because she didn't come to see him dance.

Score: 27

David Alan Grier & Kym Johnson: FoxtrotKym thinks the best of David is yet to come and they both hope this will be their breakthrough performance. I wouldn't call it a breakthrough breakthrough, but it puts his past two performances to shame - and I don't even think those were that bad. DAG's got the single emotion, albeit cheesy, face down and looks to be having the time of his life leaping, twirling and extending his arms. Hey, maybe he is. I hear Dancing does that to you. Bruno loves the transformation. Carrie Ann didn't realize DAG was a Rockette. Len thinks it's the best dance he's done.

Score: 24

Steve Wozniak & Karina Smirnoff: SambaWoz needs to get loose and bouncy, but perhaps got too loose. He pulled his hamstring on Friday, but has powered through the pain. Bless his heart. Karina's in a prison dress. Because she feels trapped in this partnership. Hold on, does Dancing know what symoblism is? I'm prepared for Woz to keel over, but he doesn't. It's your typical Woz dance: wacky, goofy and dopey. This time there's a worm thrown in, or like a quasi-worm. Wait, I figured it out: Karina's Beetlejuice. Carrie Ann thinks his novelty is going to wear off soon. Len says it was consistently bad from start to finish. Bruno calls it the worst samba he's ever seen. Could they make it any more obvious they want him off? I wasn't sure if this was the lowest score in Dancing history, so I did some research to find that Woz is "bested" by Master P in that department, who got an 8. Personally, I don't think Woz was deserving of a 10, especially since they never once bestowed such a number for Cloris Leachman, and she was beyond abysmal. Double standard, people!

Score: 10

Melissa Rycroft & Tony Dovolani: FoxtrotMelissa takes time out to go back to Dallas and clean out her desk at work. You realize you're not gonna be Dancing forever, right? They're dressed in a prunish purple, which makes me nauseous. There's a vomiting story involved that will be better not told. Why does wardrobe always bedazzle Melissa's tramp stamp? Is that too much for this family show? But Holly's boobage is not? Their foxtrot is fluid and lithe - basically what you've come to expect from her. I'm not gonna lie. It's kind of boring. Pretty, but a major snooze. The only thing that's keeping my attention is the fact that Melissa's and Tony's teeth match. This is a Crest Whitestrips commercial in the making. Len calls it fanstatic. Bruno says the music plays from her body, which is a beautiful intstrument. Carrie Ann thinks there's something that's lacking and wants her to challenge herself because this comes easy to her. Cue scaredy face from Melissa and Tony. Missed opportunity not cutting to Maks.

Score: 27

Lil Kim & Derek Hough: SambaKim's motivated by Gilles and Melissa, so she's gonna wow 'em with her booty. Or maybe blind them with Derek's shirt. Girl's definitely working her assets (did ya notice her double-sided tape popping out at the end? At least it's not a full breast...), but she seems to be concentrating way hard on the technique. Still, it's charismatic and aggressive. Vintage Kim. I think it will look even better with a faster beat. Bruno calls her a pocket-sized Venus with super-sized sex appeal. Carrie Ann calls it hot and makes some lion growl. Len likes her bionic booty, but doesn't like that the dance was missing some fundamental elements. Remember, guys, Len's stodgy.

Score: 25

Ty Murray & Chelsie Hightower: FoxtrotTy gets the pimp spot! He's adorably nervous, as usual, about the foxtrot because he has to play a character and he ain't no Robert De Niro. You don't say. But has Bob danced? It starts off gorgeous and stylish. Cowboys can be dapper, in case you had any doubts. Chelsie falls in the middle, but Ty doesn't flinch and catches her. Imagine how Denise would've handled that. He botches a step at the end, but it's still an overall good performance. I think his dance last week was better, but this is better than practically anything in the first half of the show. Carrie Ann calls him the most improved and loves the way he handled Chelsie when she fell. Len finds it stiff, but still finds it top-notch. Bruno calls Chelsie a miracle worker for carving out a Fred Astaire. "We didn't practice that!" Ty says backstage of Chelsie falling. And we all thought Shawn was the cute one. I think this is the first time I've ever been jealous of Jewel.

Score: 23

So that's that. We've got a three-way tie in first between the usual suspects. Should we just pencil them in for the finale now? What did you think of the dances? Did Denise regress? Did Woz deserve a three? Does Dmitry hate Holly? Who should go home tomorrow?